Brim's secret journal.
I want to be a designer who lives in a rent-controlled apartment in a city where I go to raves with my boyfriend in the weekends. It sounds a lot but it also sounds so simple the way I said it. It's only 4 things. But it's still difficult when you try to zoom in that big picture.
What makes it difficult to go after these things is mainly not having processed my past yet. The past 4 years have been tough for me with the pandemic crippling the life decisions I made. Even until now there are ripples from the decisions I've made, big and small. Losing a really close friend because I got possessive, not taking a gap year and therefore not being able to study in a reputable university because of the nationwide lockdown, settling for a low-paying design job right now (baby steps I guess, but still frustrating), and so much more. It's true that I can just go after my dreams without processing the past, but leaving everything behind and not making peace with them feels like self-betrayal and self-abandonment. The fact that time marches on almost leaves no time for presence and regrouping.
Going after your dreams also requires another set of things you have to work on. Like for example, getting jacked to get a boyfriend (that's just how queer relationships work), a Macbook to become a designer (sorry Windows users - me included), and racking up lots of money to buy rave outfits and literally to build the foundation of many other dreams I'm going after. That conflates the list of things I have to do, and it's overwhelming to think about.
I have a designer job, but I'm earning low as of late. I'm thinking of getting a second job, but I'm terrified it might deplete my energy and not have enough left to also live life a little. Why is being an adult so hard...
